Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
🛁
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free