“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Great Canadian literature.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.