“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
B
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m not sure I like progress.
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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