Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.