[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
choose your gary
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.