Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.