Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs