Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.