me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?