People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
need him
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2