There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife