The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
Dammit Chief not again
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.