The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.