“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie