#Caturday
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I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude