2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.