A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no