Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.