There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.