[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.