All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.