“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.