C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Smooooooth
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?