I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
🤣could you imagine
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.