He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”