Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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Me irl
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations