If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
synchronized noseblowing
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs