SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it