Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
tell em, edith-anne
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.