Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice