Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Pigeon open mic night.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever