If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?