Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.