My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Why is everyone getting married at me
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
me hooking up with my ex
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off