Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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*puts words between two asterisks*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.