Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I saw this ending much differently.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude