LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Ape together strong
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..