In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.