Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020