I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”