*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
You Might Also Like
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥