Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂