I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.