Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Only Americans understand
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
How to draw a duck
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
pizza
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.