You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You Might Also Like
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.