Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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…żyje?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
this has done me in for some reason
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look