[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.