“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.