Not all heroes wear capes…
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[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
A friend sent me this.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH