I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Grandmother clock.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My work here is done
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.